Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Poll: Peter Pips Duncan in Dragons' Den Debauchery Quiz

Well folks, the results are in and we can exclusively reveal that the Dragon that readers of GASH would most like to have a sexual encounter with is baby-faced Peter Jones who snuck ahead of bookies favourite Duncan Bannatyne in the closing minutes of the poll.

Dignified second-generation immigrant James Caan came in third, followed closely by Theo Paphitis, with sour-faced grumpstress Deborah Meaden trailing in last place.

Although Bannatyne got off to a good start, retaining many of his safe constituencies in Scotland and the North of England, results from wealthier parts of the country quickly showed that a victory was out of the question.

Exit polls gave an insight into the collapse of public trust in the dour Scot. Said Reginald Purves of Tunbridge Wells, who wished to remain anonymous, "Although I was initially attracted to Duncan's self-assured and confident attitude, I swiftly realised that sex with him would almost certainly feel like being raped in an alley behind a Glaswegian chippy. Like that scene in Scum but worse. Peter offered a gentler and more soothing option in an environment in which I felt comfortable."

James Caan was considered by many to be a prime candidate, but it is believed that underhand tactics by right-wing factions may have hampered his performance. Theo Paphitis was described by many as "Too Short" and Meaden was criticised for "Having a face like a bulldog licking piss off another bulldog despite having more money than the populations of Rhodesia, Abyssinia and Zaire combined."