Sunday, 21 July 2013

Boycott to be recognised as "Righteous among the Nations"

The members of Yad Veshem have unanimously voted to bestow the title of "Righteous among the Nations" on cricket pundit Geoffrey Boycott. The award comes following the revelation that during the early years of the Second World War, Boycott saved of hundreds of Jewish women and children from Nazi persecution.

In a statement, Boycott said, "I saved 'undreds of Jewish refugees from t'ghettos of Amsterdam, smashing them over t' North Sea to Lincoln. And I got a six for every one that made it alive". He went on, "Aye, 'tis a great honour f' this feat to finally be recognised. I always said Schindler was an amateur".

Boycott also revealed that he had already been secretly thanked for his brave work, but it had been on the understanding that it would remain an official state secret until this year. "Churchill 'isself awarded me the Boycott Cross, which incidentally was named after me in honour of my heroic fielding during the Siege of Sevastopol. I took a great catch which saved Lord Raglan's life. Admiral Vladimir edged a cannonball down the off side and it would 'ave twatted Raglan in t' head, but that I got an 'and to it. And that was before wicket-keepers wore gloves".

Geoffrey Boycott is 72.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Poll: Peter Pips Duncan in Dragons' Den Debauchery Quiz

Well folks, the results are in and we can exclusively reveal that the Dragon that readers of GASH would most like to have a sexual encounter with is baby-faced Peter Jones who snuck ahead of bookies favourite Duncan Bannatyne in the closing minutes of the poll.

Dignified second-generation immigrant James Caan came in third, followed closely by Theo Paphitis, with sour-faced grumpstress Deborah Meaden trailing in last place.

Although Bannatyne got off to a good start, retaining many of his safe constituencies in Scotland and the North of England, results from wealthier parts of the country quickly showed that a victory was out of the question.

Exit polls gave an insight into the collapse of public trust in the dour Scot. Said Reginald Purves of Tunbridge Wells, who wished to remain anonymous, "Although I was initially attracted to Duncan's self-assured and confident attitude, I swiftly realised that sex with him would almost certainly feel like being raped in an alley behind a Glaswegian chippy. Like that scene in Scum but worse. Peter offered a gentler and more soothing option in an environment in which I felt comfortable."

James Caan was considered by many to be a prime candidate, but it is believed that underhand tactics by right-wing factions may have hampered his performance. Theo Paphitis was described by many as "Too Short" and Meaden was criticised for "Having a face like a bulldog licking piss off another bulldog despite having more money than the populations of Rhodesia, Abyssinia and Zaire combined."

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

World Supplement

If you love the GASH, you may well appreciate my other blog World Supplement, a random meandering on global events, as perceived by me and Nick, of Wilco Movies... Enjoy...

P.S. I've got a lovely interview with Kunt and the Gang all ready for my next post, so don't touch that dial...

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Issue No. 5a

I know its normally a four-pager, but in the interests of being vaguely topical I'm releasing the front-page early.

Sunday, 26 April 2009

Not Strictly GASH...

...but a project I've been working on, titled BANK

Thursday, 22 January 2009

Thursday, 8 January 2009